Shyness and Low Self-Esteem
A child suffering with low esteem often isolates from the world, giving out a signal of being shy. Low self-esteem in children may come across as being scared to interact, ask questions and avoid social interaction. This type of shyness can be crippling to the point of causing developmental delays or even hinder learning.
Symptoms of Low Self Esteem in Children 
-Shyness: Every child can be shy from time to time, but a child suffering from low self esteem is overly shy and will avoid meeting new people or face new situations. This extreme shyness must be taken seriously.
-Clinginess: An overly clingy child is often a sign of low self-esteem. Because of their deep-rooted insecurities, the child avoids or dislikes social interactions, particularly with new people. Having a parent close by provides a sense of security the child often lacks from within. If the parent cannot be close by, the child will often want to cling to a personal item such as a blanket, a stuffed animal or other gadget as a calming aid to help cope with the anxiety they are experiencing.
-Fear: Irrational fears often erupt from low self esteem in children. These children are afraid of trying new things, because they have already assumed that they will fail, and in most cases, they give up before even trying. Typically, children are adventurous and carefree. But a child with low self-esteem may be overly careful and not at all adventurous in different settings.
-Procrastination: Children are known to be very curious when it comes to trying new things and experimenting, but a child with low self-esteem will often be seen putting things off for a later time out of their fear of failure.
-Pessimism: Even before trying something, they believe they won’t be able to do it. Parents may often hear statements like “I am such a looser” or “I’m dumb” and other self-deprecating comments.
-Perfection or obsessive behavior: Low self-esteem encourages dysfunctional perfectionism, which is when a child develops a compulsion to do everything “perfect” in an effort to avoid being criticized at all.
Low Self Esteem in Children – Causes
Bullying: Bullying is one of the major causes for low self-esteem in children. Although being teased is part of typical childhood, constant bullying by peers can create lasting emotional scars. Many children are teased for their looks, their performance in class or inability to do something. Sometimes, teachers also unintentionally contribute to bullying by turning a blind eye or brushing these behaviors off as “kids being kids”.
Disharmony at Home: Constant fights between parents, an ill-tempered parent, constant nagging by either a parent or another sibling may also have lasting negative impacts on a child’s self-esteem. Comparing to siblings can also be devastating to a child.
Learning Disabilities: LDs usually aren’t diagnosed until late childhood. By the time these are identified that child has suffered years of feeling less than adequate and a step behind peers.
What can Parents Do?
Children need to know they have a solid support system at home. A strong support system is one that offers unconditional love that is not contingent upon good behavior or good grades. Here are a few Do’s and Don’t’s:
The Do’s
- The first and foremost thing to do is appreciate the gift that your child is, AS IS
- Be a good role model by example. Your child is observing how you react to different situations. Try to stay positive and happy around your child, encourage positive and uplifting self-talk such as “I can do this”, “This is easy”, “I got this” when confronted with a challenge.
- Acknowledge every effort, big or small. Frequent verbal praise goes a long way. For example “Good job”, Wow, you’re amazing”, “I love how you______”, “I really like the way you handled that”
- Try not to focus on your child’s weaknesses. For instance, if he is not good at sports focus on his creativity or willingness to help others.
- Identify and validate your child’s fears. Some fears may seem irrational to you as an adult but may be debilitating to a child. Never make fun of or put down a child’s fears. Instead, recognize them as real and offer your understanding.
- Empower your child by telling him how strong he is and that he can do anything. Children will often live up to their parents’ expectations.
- Be a friend to your child, learn what he is good at, what he does not like, what is bothering him, and then try to focus on his strengths.
- Involve your child in family conversations and decisions. For instance, like deciding on a new TV, adopting a new pet, assignment of chores and household responsibilities… Ask your child’s opinion and what he thinks about a particular model, or which one he would like and why, what tasks he may want to do around the house… Make him feel like his opinion matters.
- Teach the child the importance of being okay with failing. Talk about what it means to make mistakes and not be too down on yourself about not being the best at something, how it’s important to get back up when you fall, dust yourself off and try again, and again and again. Give examples of your life, your failures, and teach him to accept failure with a smile.
- Incorporate humor to help soften the blow. For example, if your child obtained a D on a quiz you can say, that’s okay we’ll have to send you to magician school (so you can learn how to handle tricky questions)
The Don’ts:
- Stop negative self-talk in its tracks. Stop the child immediately when he engages in self-deprecating remarks and say, “we don’t speak negatively about ourselves in this house”.
- Avoid being a helicopter parent and being too over-protective. Instead, be a cheerleader. Let the child make mistakes and teach him how to bounce back from them with a positive attitude. Follow up any efforts with verbal praise.
- Avoid comparing. The worst thing we can do as parents is compare our children, especially with siblings, cousins or any other child. Celebrate your child’s uniqueness, use words like “I love that you’re so special, you’re not basic that’s for sure, you’re a star shape ..star shapes can’t fit into square holes, I wouldn’t trade you for anyone in the world”… etc.
- Don’t ignore persistent sadness in a child. If you notice increased isolation, lethargy and lack of interest in activities he once enjoyed, consult a pediatrician or psychiatrist immediately as it may be signs of a more serious mood disorder. If a child threatens to harm himself call 911.
For more information or if you have other questions, please call us (813) 468-6528. We serve all of Florida and collaborate with all school districts nationwide.
visit our RESOURCE CENTER for more information